Reflection
Wow, it's been a year... shockingly, it went fairly fast. (Looking back now--funny how that works) I had my share of speed bumps, which the doctors prepared me for that. To say that I wasn't discouraged at all within my first year would be a complete lie. After coming off the "high" you get after LIVING through a major surgery and BEATING/SURVIVING your diseases... there is a moment where you think, "Ok, now what?" Being as sick as most of us transplant recipients are, that first "hang up" is a crushing blow. You instantly wonder if you're headed down another bad road or that this was too good to be true and "the other shoe has dropped." But, I had to constantly discipline myself to believe in MY MIRACLE and that God did not bring me this far to drop me now. I say that not to get an "atta girl" or a pat on the back or an "oh wow," but to give the reality that it’s not an easy feat to stay grounded while in the presence of chaos and uncertainty. I have found it is so much easier look at others and see their adversities but also recognize how they're powering through. However, we don't see the tears they shed in private or the many moments of begging God or asking God WHY?! So, for me, I always want to disclose that it is no easy thing, so that when you are in your hour of need that you don't think "This is so hard, I am praying and obeying but I don't see the benefits... where is God? Why is he so evident in other's lives or troubles?" COMPARISON. In my opinion, this is one of Satan's greatest tools. With comparison he is able to hook into us and make us feel that our God isn't for us and that we are on our own. Thus, taking away our potential to serve our God--Satan's ultimate goal. Romans 8:31-39 is a great passage to remind us that we are NOT alone.
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, [b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I remember the first hang up that really had me questioning my miracle. (Insane right? Believe me, I know.) August 2017. Something was very off, I wasn't feeling as great as I had. I struggled to get my children in bed. Once I did I got a terrifyingly familiar feeling... nausea. Not an "I feel sick" nausea... no, this nausea only comes when your oxygen is low. I slapped my pulsox on and it instantly read "78". Crap. I knew right away that the Cleveland Clinic fellow on call would immediately tell me to come in for admission no questions asked. The moment I read "78" my heart sank and quite literally felt as if it broke. Tears instantly streamed from my face and I thought..."God? What? Why? How? Have I not endured enough? What is happening? Where are you?" The hospital, as you can imagine, was and IS the last place I want to be.
So, I sucked it up and got people in place for my children and someone to take me on up. (Since my family was in Cancun) The next day, my team of doctors were able to assess the scans and tests that were taken the night prior. They suspected rejection, not 100% sure as they need a biopsy from a bronchoscopy to determine that. But, the head of transplant essentially said, "We see it’s a dog but we don't know what breed," meaning, they just didn't know how bad it was. IV steroids ASAP until we could get the STAT bronch done. High IV steroids are no fun. I, personally, experience insane shakes, this feeling of being so irritated with being in my own body that I wish I could just escape, as well as feeling like there are ants crawling under my skin. I was very discouraged, heartbroken. Where are you God? I asked myself this often while lying in that bed. My doctors wanted me up and walking but all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. Escape.
Finally, one day, after receiving a plethora of messages from my incredible church and Pastoral family, I kicked myself. What do you mean has He left you Madison? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Look! You are ALIVE! You should be dead and in the ground but you are breathing and alive. Your children have their mother and your family and friends still have you in their lives. YOU. ARE. THRIVING. This is a setback. THIS is life. We live in an imperfect world after all.
So, I kicked myself back in gear and boy was God prepared for me. (Obviously) I opened my bible and my books and He spoke so dearly to me. I had peace in that hospital room on J82. Steven Furtick said something in one of his sermons that I try to remind myself, "If I'd get out of my own way and let God deal with things the way He knows how to deal with things... I will be at peace. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Not to say life will be all sunshine and roses, but that if we obey He will do the rest. Obedience is our job and outcome is His. There is nothing man can do to you that God can't use for good. His purpose is the promise that lets us know that it seems insignificant, invisible, and we don't know how, but we don't have to when we know WHO. Sometimes the proof that God is working is when we don't feel like he is with us or that we are growing. God definitely used that admission to strengthen my faith in him. I learned so much about Him and my faith. That was when I adopted the mantra "God did not bring me THIS far to drop me here now..." I began that admission questioning if God was there with me. If he did his miracle and now I'm on my own to figure the rest out. (RIDICULOUS I KNOW!!)
Steven Furtick used a great acronym in another one of his sermons. (Can you tell I'm a fan?) D.I.R.T. Disappointment. Insecurities. Rejection. Trouble. With that, he says destiny will be revealed in the DIRT. "Let the DIRT do its work." I find this absolutely true. When I am in my darkest moments it is there I find him tending to me. God uses the hard to refine us. (Sucks but so true) Psalm 30:5 says, "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor, a lifetime. Weeping may stay overnight, but there is joy in the morning." I'm sure I am not the only one when I say I find myself many times asking God, "But WHEN will it be morning?" Joy comes in knowing Jesus and experiencing His presence. The more we fall in love with Him the more He can fill us with inexpressible, heavenly joy.
In conclusion I want to end with this, discipline yourself during your chaos and times of adversity to remind yourself that you are not alone. (Hello cliché) It is your job to obey and God's job to produce outcome. Trust. This is where our foundation of faith comes in so handy, at least in my experience. I would be lost if not for my parents instilling the foundation of faith prior to my chaos. Having faith that while my circumstances seem impossible and admitting that I don't know HOW to continue forward, that as long as I know WHO, I will be ok. Don't allow Satan to steal your joy and to distract you from what you know. "Stashed seed is never planted. Unused seed is unused potential." Don't allow your potential to go to waste.